The Mailbox Knows All
by Kittyaceres
Summary: In Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained #54, Dipper finds a mysterious mailbox that holds all the secrets to the universe, but Mabel ruins it by insulting the mailbox. In this version, Dipper stops her from sending her video, and the Pines twins discover who the real author of the journal is. Or do they?


_The short opens on a shot of _**DIPPER**_ in the woods._

**DIPPER**: Welcome back to Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, Anomaly number fifty-four, "The Mailbox."

_The camera pans over to a rusty, mossy mailbox in the middle of the woods._

**DIPPER**: There it is, in the middle of the forest. No house, no address. Today, me and my team of expert—

**SOOS** _walks over to the mailbox. He is wearing a lab coat and a pair of goggles, and he is holding a piece of binder paper._

**SOOS**: 'Sup? (_He waves at the camera_.)

**DIPPER**: —are going to put a letter in and see who picks it up.

**SOOS**: My letter posits a salient question—(_He unfolds the paper, which reads, "'SUP DAWG?"_)—'sup, dawg?

_He folds the paper back up and places it inside the mailbox. He holds his thumb up at the camera._

**DIPPER**: Now we're going to hide behind a bush and wait for someone to come by.

_The mailbox begins to shake, and _**SOOS**_ backs away from it. The camera zooms in on the mailbox as the signal flag rises on its own_.

**DIPPER**: What the—?!

**SOOS**: Did you see that? (_He raises his hands protectively over his head._)

**DIPPER**_ runs into frame and crouches in front of the mailbox._

**DIPPER**: (_whispering_) Open it.

**SOOS**: No, you open it, dude. I'm not touching a ghost mailbox. (_He pushes _**DIPPER**_ towards the mailbox.)_

**DIPPER**: Okay, okay! Here goes…

_He opens the mailbox and pulls out a piece of yellowed parchment with a shiny, red wax seal._

**DIPPER**: What?!

**SOOS**: That's not our letter, dude!

**DIPPER**: (_He runs over to the camera and opens the new letter_.) It says… (_He gasps and covers his mouth_.)

**SOOS**_ runs over and takes the letter from _**DIPPER**_, showing it to the camera_.

**SOOS**: "HELLO DIPPER and SOOS."

**DIPPER**: It knows our names!

**SOOS**: What if this thing's all-knowing?!

**DIPPER**: We gotta test it!

_The camera cuts to a shot of _**SOOS**_ holding a new piece of paper that reads "WHAT DID I SHAVE INTO MY HEAD THIS MORNING?"_

**SOOS**: What did I shave into my head this morning?

**SOOS**_ takes the letter over to the mailbox and puts it inside. The mailbox shakes once more and the signal flag rises. _**SOOS**_ reaches in for the letter_.

**SOOS**: "A baby duck holding a paddle ball." Dude! It knew!

_He takes his hat off and turns around to reveal a duck holding a paddle ball shaved into the back of his head._

**DIPPER**: What?!

**SOOS**: (_He turns back to the camera_.) Ask it more questions!

_The camera cuts to _**DIPPER**_ writing on another piece of binder paper in front of the mailbox_.

**DIPPER**: "When is the end of the world?"

_The camera cuts to _**DIPPER**_ holding the mailbox's reply_.

**DIPPER**: 3012? We've got a while.

_The camera cuts to _**SOOS**_ in front of the mailbox_.

**SOOS**: "Who's my dream woman?"

_The camera cuts to _**SOOS**_ holding a sketch of a very muscular woman in an American flag bikini._

**SOOS**: Whoa, hot tamales! (_He rolls it up and puts it in his pocket_.) Save that one for the archives.

_The camera cuts to _**DIPPER**_ clicking a pen while thinking of what to ask the mailbox next_.

**DIPPER**: What is the exact time and date of my death?

**SOOS**: (_from behind the camera_) Did aliens build the pyramids?

**DIPPER**: Or—what is the meaning of life?

**SOOS**: What are marshmallows made of?

**DIPPER**: Or—who wrote Journal number three?

**SOOS**: (_pointing from behind the camera_) Who wrote the journals! Who wrote the journals!

**DIPPER**: We're finally gonna get the answer to the greatest mystery in Gravity Falls!

**MABEL**_ walks into frame wearing a backpack._

**MABEL**: Oh nifty, a mailbox! I've been wanting to mail Mom this video of me sticking a hundred gummy worms up my nose.

_She grabs a package from her backpack and reaches to put it into the mailbox. _**DIPPER**_ panics and grabs the tape from his sister and throws it on the ground_.

**MABEL**: Hey!

**DIPPER**: Sorry, Mabel, but you can't mail stuff in this mailbox. Plus no one wants to see your gross video of you sticking gummy worms up your nose.

**MABEL**: That's not true! Mom loves my videos of me sticking stuff up my nose!

**DIPPER**: No, she doesn't; no one does.

**MABEL**: (_noticing the camera_) Speaking of stuff no one wants to see, are you filming one of your guides to the unknown?

**DIPPER**: It's called Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, and yes we are. Soos and I discovered that you can ask this mailbox any question and it'll answer you! It has the answers to all of life's greatest mysteries.

**MABEL**: Whoa, cool! So you could ask it anything? Like where do all the missing socks go? Or how many licks does it take to get the center of a tootsie pop?!

**DIPPER**: Yeah, and with this letter—(_he waves the piece of paper in his hand_)—we're going to get the answer to Gravity Falls' greatest mystery of all: who wrote the journals.

**DIPPER**_ places the letter into the mailbox. He and _**MABEL**_ watch eagerly as it shakes violently and the signal flag slowly rises. _**DIPPER**_ pulls the letter out and reads it. His excited grin falls into a look of utter shock._

**SOOS**: Who is it, dude?

**DIPPER**: Stanford Pines? Wait…_Grunkle Stan _wrote the journals?!

**MABEL** and **SOOS**: WHAT?!

**MABEL**_ grabs the paper and reads it herself, bringing her hand to her face in disbelief. _**Soos**_ runs into frame and grabs the paper from _**MABEL**.

**SOOS**: It's true!

**DIPPER**: I can't believe it… All this time, Grunkle Stan acted like he didn't know about all the supernatural stuff in Gravity Falls, when in fact, he was the one who wrote it down in the first place!

**SOOS**_ walks over to the camera to show what the letter states: "STANFORD PINES WROTE THE JOURNALS."_

_ The camera cuts to the living room in the Mystery Shack, where _**STAN**_ is lounging in front of the television in his underwear. _**DIPPER**_ and _**SOOS**_ run into the room, and _**DIPPER**_ climbs on the armchair with _**STAN**_._

**STAN**: What the hell, Dipper! Get off of me!

**DIPPER** and **SOOS**: Grunkle Stan!

**DIPPER**: Wefoundamagicalmailboxinthewoodsandweaskeditabunchofquestionsandweaskeditwhotheauthorofthejournalswasanditrepliedandtoldusthat—(he takes a large, dramatic breath)—YOU'RE the author!

**STAN**: (_shoving _**DIPPER**_ onto the floor_) Whoa kid, don't forget to breathe, there! What do you mean, "I'm the author"? Is this about your journal? Do you want it back or something?

**SOOS**: We found a magical mailbox in the woods that answers any question that you could ever ask, and so we asked it who wrote the journals, and it said that you did.

_He hands _**STAN**_ the paper. _**STAN**_ looks at it with disgust, turning it around to reveal the picture of _**SOOS'S**_ dream girl_.

**STAN**: Ew, Soos, what the hell is this?

**SOOS**: Wrong letter, wrong letter!

**SOOS**_ grabs the paper back and replaces it with the correct one. _**STAN**_ reads the letter. At first he looks spooked, before he breaks into harsh laughter._

**STAN**: You three really think that _I_ wrote those nerd books? (_He cackles even harder and wipes away a tear.)_ You kids sure do have overactive imaginations.

**DIPPER**: But—the mailbox is real! It answered all of our questions correctly!

**STAN**: Yeah, right! You really expect me to believe in a _magic mailbox_.

**DIPPER**: It's real! I—(_He looks over at the camera_.)—I can show you! Mabel, give me the camera. I'll show you all the footage.

**DIPPER**_ takes the camera and stops the recording. The footage cuts to another shot of the mailbox. _**STAN**_, _**DIPPER**_, _**MABEL**_, and _**SOOS**_ are all standing around it_.

**STAN**: (_holding a pen and paper_) I'll prove to you kids that I didn't write the journals. (_He begins to write as he speaks.)_ Did I…_Stan Pines_…write…the journals?

**STAN**_ folds the paper and puts it in the mailbox, which begins to shake and the signal flag rises. Stan pulls the letter out, reads it, smiles smugly, and gives the letter _**DIPPER**_. _

**STAN**: Ha! There's your answer, kid.

**DIPPER**: (_reading from the paper_) "_No_"?! But, but, but…

**STAN**: I bet this could make a really great attraction for the Mystery Shack! Heh, "Step right up, folks! Come have all of your most burning questions answered!"

**STAN**_ continues to plan how he could make money off the mailbox. _**DIPPER**_ walks over to the camera and shuts it off. The camera cuts to _**DIPPER**_ sitting on his bed looking forlornly at the two pieces of parchment_.

**DIPPER**: This concludes Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained Anomaly number fifty-four, where we didn't even figure out what the mailbox is, and we raised even more questions than we answered. Why did the mailbox say two contradictory statements?

**DIPPER**_ holds up the two pages. The first one reads, "STANFORD PINES WROTE THE JOURNALS," and the second one simply reads, "NO." _**DIPPER**_ sets them down on his lap_.

**DIPPER**: Which is the truth? How can Grunkle Stan _be_ Stanford Pines, but also not be the author of the journals? Did the mailbox lie? Or…is Grunkle Stan not who he says he is?!

_He places his hands on his face in shock as he considers his realization. Then he pulls a piece of cardboard and a permanent marker from out of frame and writes on it before turning it around. It reads: "Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained: #55 Stanford Pines."_

**DIPPER**: Join me next time on Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained, Anomaly number 55: Who is Stanford Pines?

* * *

**A/N: **I have ideas for a follow up to this, but I don't particularly want to follow through on them because I want this fic to stay canon compliant. I also didn't include Mabel in the final scene because I think that having only Dipper have his suspicions about Stan makes more sense for the plot of Not What He Seems because Dipper was much less trusting of Stan than Mabel despite both of them having the same amount of information. Dipper seemed really harsh in that episode, but in this au, Dipper would be harboring those feelings of mistrust for a while.


End file.
